Do you ever wonder?
I hear thunder, my light background music, the typing of my fingers, my husband snoring in the other room, the pitter patter of kitty toes on wood flooring, and raindrops hitting the roof.
I'm drinking ice cold water with lemon. A whole lemon.
For the past few weeks, I've been thinking about life. I'm 33 and not in the best of health. I try to change it, but I lose my way somehow. I'll get there, I know. So, I try not to worry about that right now. I want to experience life, though.
I want to go out every single day. My mind cries out for amusement of some sort. My mind and body are in Sacramento... my heart in West Monroe with my family. But, I want to be somewhere else... where I can go to the Y and swim, go to see bands play live every weekend if I want, eat Korean food... or Ethiopian, or TRUE Mexican... or anything I want. I want to be able to go down to the store and buy fresh cut lambchops or a whole squid if I want.
I want to be somewhere to live. I don't want to stay here and feel like I just sat through my life. People may be comfortable doing that, but I feel like a lot of my problem with my depression and need to stay in the bed is feeling like I'm wasting away my life in a town I hate. I love my family. I can come see my family whenever I want to see them. But, I want to LIVE. I want to be FREE of this town. I never planned to stay here forever. I've always wanted to be in a bigger city with more things to do, bigger things to see, comedy clubs, stores besides Catherine's, etc.
I guess what I'm saying is... I love you, but I want to leave, West Monroe. I want to leave you behind with a U-Haul and a list of things to do.
My tears are in West Monroe. My boredom is in West Monroe. My depression is in West Monroe. The doctors here are awful. There is no choice in anything. There is nothing to do. I want out. I want out. I can feel myself clawing out of my West Monroe skin and screaming, "SACRAMENTO, WAIT FOR ME!!!!".
I didn't fall in love with Sacramento the first time I saw it. Yes, I said I wanted to move there, but I said I wanted to move everywhere I went at that time, because I just wanted OUT of this town to a place that had LIFE. But, by the fourth or so time I went to Sacramento and started seeing the options in doctors, hospitals, care, exercise, movies, food, freshness, excitement, night life, grocery stores, and even parks... I got excited. I can join the local geocaching club and take Bev geocaching with me! I can join the Y and swim daily if I want. I can buy fresh squid and cook it. I can do anything I want. I would soak it up like a sponge. I would revel in the wonderful feeling of having more than one theatre, more than one sushi joint, and being able to see real Broadway shows when they came to town.
I don't want to be on the hospital bed at the end of my life... in Glenwood and saying, "I never did the things I wanted". I don't want to settle for less for myself. I want to LIVE. I want to be ME.
I'm so tired of crying and sleeping.